i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
