I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
