quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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