Who did Billy Mays play for?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
