I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Green mimosas i think yes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
