Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
