You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
BRING THE BAGELS
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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