This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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