thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
a search helicopter?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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