i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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