Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
