I just threw up on my dentist
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
