Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
