Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
