nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So apparently I’m into choking now
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