i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
