Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
