I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
