Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
