i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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