i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
