just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
