I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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