Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
high people should be assigned attendants
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
