I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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