He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
