I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
