i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
