i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
