it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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