I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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