u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
