I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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