I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
