Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
