Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
