I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
