You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
