I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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