Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
