just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
