Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
