you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
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i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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