I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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