So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
