you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
