why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
