I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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