We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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