Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Randomize
