I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
