I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We need to get me chipped asap
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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