guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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