Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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