Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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