i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
