Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
